roads and blocks #day9
April 12, 2021
12.22pm
Last night I arranged all that I need to help me study, the books, stationery, calculator, clean desk, syllabus to cover etc. But I think I missed something. Something very important that makes me actually sit and study. I couldn't manage to get that Will. Yes, I want to study, I want to clear this attempt, but I'm not doing it. Why because I'm so distracted, I'm so habituated to procrastination, I'm so used to this process, I'm cannot concentrate and focus. It's difficult to study in one go when you are not doing that for years together.
I don't want to let this affect me. I don't want this to stop me. So, let me study for 45 mins now and then another 45 mins and then another... Let me try. Bye for now.
13.32pm
Hello, so I'm trying this Pomodoro session of 25 minutes. It's working, I'm studying now. started with Accounts.
Today's target is 20 25 minutes Pomodoro sessions. I'm already done with 2.
Let's hope I will make it. Yo, bye, my break time is almost finished.
3.44pm
I'm distracted. Because of the environment, because of the mood, because of my thinking(a friend asked me not to add an extra word "over" to it). I will get back to studying in 15 minutes. I promise.
9.18pm
I just completed 7 sessions. I'm scared. Idk how to explain this but when I'm studying it's like all the negative thoughts, all the thoughts that held me back all those years keeps coming back to me. I am unable to put them off. Exams are just 40days away and I'm nowhere near to even 10% of completion of syllabus. If I can sit with consistency and determination, I could make it fine I guess. But that's the problem. I never did it, I don't know if I could do it now. Just seeing how much I need to cover in such a short time is making me go insane like really, I should have started earlier, I had time, but I didn't give any heed to it. Oh my god! I really don't understand what I'm doing. I don't see any options, it's making me worse. How can I tell them it's all over the same again, the same reasons, the same fears, the same questions?
I don't want to give in to these thoughts. I want to fight. Because I have so many people I need to prove myself to. I need to do it for myself. To prove to myself that I can do it if I want to if I concentrate on it. I cannot give those stupid reasons to people again, because they don't understand and they just assume it's not my cup of tea.
If I want to give up on this, I will first achieve it and then leave it.😤
23.13pm
It's eating me up. The guilt and the regret. It's making me doubt myself. It's making me lose my confidence I built in these two months. It's making me weak.
However, I'm not letting it drown me. So will try to make at least 12 sessions before I sleep. 4 more to go.
"When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest if you must, but don't you quit." - John Greenleaf Whittier
© Sushritha Danturi 🌻
I dare to dream
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