self-respect or relations?

MUSINGS

These days I'm confused about choosing myself or the relation. Maybe it's with friends or family. I know we should not ruin our relationships and make peace with them, but again what if I don't have value in that relationship if there is no me.

I never thought about self-respect or something about me while being with my loved ones. Relationships were important to me. I used to say sorry, even if it's not my mistake, even if I'm not wrong. As I'm growing, learning, I now can't stand where I'm not respected or where I'm not valued. Why should I have to listen to you, when you don't even try to listen to my say? These thoughts are killing me.

Yesterday I watched 'Thappad' movie, it's just one slap, she should have tolerated, my mom also says the same. We shouldn't break homes, we should keep them together, she agrees. I argued with her, it's just one slap, but it shouldn't have happened. But later, I found myself doing the same in my past coz today idk. I tried to be in a relationship where I had to tolerate someone's mood swings. I had to settle, I lived all my life accepting that, one has to adapt to make a relationship work.

I never gave a thought about myself. Though I pondered why can't the other person adjusts, I thought why we had to wait, when I can make it right. If the relationship is going to continue, why can't I just make it correct by settling? Because some people in my life, whether it's their mistake or not, whether it's their need or not, they want us to adjust, us to do everything, us to value them more than ourselves.

This is how I mended relations with my friends and family. Now, I don't know. Did I kill myself to be in something I'm not there in the first place? My mother is doing the same for years. And she has taught me the same. My sister is different, though. And we both, me and mom, we think about others, we compromise, we adjust. Now that, I'm learning about self-respect, I see, everything I did was wrong, but what should I have done then? Idk, I don't have an answer for that too. Had I not adjusted then, I would have been alone now maybe. And being alone is the scariest thing we learnt.

As I'm penning this down, I don't know which one to choose? Me and my self-respect or the relationships. Is it ok to put relations over self-respect? Then, why is it hurting now, being ignored, being valued like shit, like 'oh, she? She can adjust, there's no importance to her'. Idk. This is really really hurting.

As I began to love myself I freed myself of anything that is no good for my health- food, people, things, situatons, and everything that drew me down and awya from myself. At first I called this attitude a healthy egoism. Today I know it is "LOVE OF ONESELF". 

-Charlie Chaplin 

©Sushritha Danturi